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i think for the first time in my life i do not have a best friend.
and it's weird.
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| my time with emily has been keeping me going this summer. i think if i won one of those 'trips for you and a friend' things and had to choose one person on the spot, it'd be her. on another em and em movie date, we got to amc early to grab em's favorite seats. while we waited for 'the devil wears prada' to start, a large group of friends in their mid to late 30s filed in next to us. after a few minutes i turned to emily and asked, 'can we hang out and go to movies still when we're in our 30s?' she just sprouted one of those ear-to-ear georgia grins and nodded with big eyes. i can't wait.
i'm anxious for an empty beach cottage, white zin, and no obligations. i think i'm in desperate need of a change of scenery. or maybe new faces. hm, maybe just a hand to hold. whatever the case, this weekend is sure to be the cure for many aches and pains in my heart and mind.
i'm considering taking route 66 from chicago to los angeles when it comes time to head back to school. i'd probably do it alone. sounds long, toasty, and lonesome...but kinda amazing too. think i can/should do it?
i just want to grab every color of paint and every size paint brush and unleash on my walls. jenny and i used to have therapy sessions in our dorms where we'd break out all our art supplies and get down to business. it works. i need to dance too. i long for open rooms with wood floors and crazy sound systems. i want to lose track of time moving to my favorite song on repeat and i want my closest companions to watch, secretly, and not say a word to me about it. they might get me then.
i want to sign with a new deaf friend this summer.
italy may be one of my many homes in '07-'08. i want it to be my frist european stop in my life. i'll be content to travel anywhere after that.
<3 mle | | |
| we're goin to BRASS by amc in south barrington tonight for craig's 21st/my late birthday. if you can come, call me and i'll let you know what time and such. they're open til 1:00 so stop by late even if ya can't make it for dinner. til then, we're off to the city again.
<3 mle | | |
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in 28.5 days i will be 20 years old. i don't know why it's been on my mind so much. almost all my friends are already there and plenty are at the big two one. i think the strangest part is that i will be 20 when i graduate. maybe that's why 20 makes me worry. it's a definitive age, at least for me. i will decidedly no longer be a teenager. it locks high school firmly into my past. my 21st christmas will look very different than i though it would 10 months ago. i will be a solo freed in cali for the first time in my 10 years there as bet and erik settle into a new carpentersville home. i'll need to start considering where to settle myself for my year off before grad school consumes me. any suggestions? i can basically live anywhere, travel anywhere, work anywhere... the options exhaust me. it's going to be a huge year: new terrain, new roommates, new friends, new love, new diploma, new perspective, new possibilities.
<3 mle
"don’t blame it on my heart, blame it on my youth"
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| i've opened up a "new weblog" page nearly everyday since i finished my finals a week ago and could never think clearly enough to put my fingers to the keys and formulate sentences. even now, it's so exhausting.
i'm tired.
this year has drained me so dry that i've forgotten how to fill myself back up. i guess this is what running on empty feels like. academically, i have had the most arduous semester yet. i'm beginning to think my last 2 won't even be as difficult. somehow, unbeknownst to me, i ended up in 3 400-level psych classes and a 300-level bible class. little miss procrastination left a 30 page research notebook for bible until 2 days before. right when i finished that, i began what turned out to be my 80 page tests and measures portfolio, due 3 days later by noon. i turned it in at 11:30 having not slept the night before. took a spanish final that night after 45 minutes of studying and no sleep for 36 hours. at that point i couldn't speak english, let alone spanish. (ok, weird, i got my grades today and in the 3 classes mentioned above i received A-'s and my "easy classes......B+'s: oh the irony. can i take a moment to express my frustration with A- grades??? i love the "you were good, but not good enough for a straight up A so i'll slap a - on there while i'm at it. grrrrrrrrr.)
one more final and 2 take-homes later, i was face-to-face with my friends' graduation and the goodbyes i had pretended were not going to happen. in the midst of my finals week, i had packed up all my crap into my car and sent it home with my dad who flew out to drive it back. he is amazing to me. grad parties...last date...commencement...final packing...all-nighter with the friends. craig, alex, miah, ashley, shelleen, and i all stayed up our last night together. shelleen finished moving her stuff into our place just in time to pack for lithuania. she left the apartment at 5:30am for the airport and will be gone til june. wow. craig and i got to spend some time alone to say our goodbyes. that didn't go so well. i think i'm still recovering. i took him over to campus with his stuff for choir tour and two hours later, i was off...back to chicago.
well, i have spent 4 days or so on the couch and my body is taking the toll. i think i'm starting to hibernate or something because i'm tired when i've done nothing at all. the only thing i accomplished was signing up at the gym...i have yet to go. that's my morning tomorrow. i start one of my three summer school classes a week from tuesday. i'm not ready for class again. i'd much rather work. sometimes it really sinks in how over my head i am. this early graduation thing has landed me in a difficult place. i'll be in school tuesdays and thursdays from 8am-9:30pm for the most part. somewhere in there i have to study to pass 2 clep tests. i don't even want to think about my senior year classes and internships yet. i have to decide whether or not to take a year off before grad school. if i don't, that means grad school apps this fall. i don't think i'm ready. i'm certainly not old enough yet. there are days when i just want to drop out and end it altogether. i can't handle the pressure, self-induced as it may be.
i'm just trying to really breathe after my last two weeks of school before i start up again at harper and clc. i'm still to tightly wound. i feel like i could snap and have a quarter-life crisis at any given moment. i'm terrified of turning 20 and i'm not sure why. i'm excited to see craig for our birthdays though. i have a feeling i'll need his peace by that point.
in general, home holds a lot of tension for me. there are many reasons that i can pinpoint and still many i can't. most of my closest friends will hardly be here this summer. in other cases, they'll be here and we'll act as if we're unaware. i can't stand the silence and perpetual drifting... most feelings i have right now in this area are untypable. i did, however, miss my family more than ever the last two months in cali. for now, i'm glad to be rid of the living situation i was coping with at school, but i'm excited to go back to my apartment for a fresh start with two new incredible women and my love ashley. craig will be moving further away, bu ti think it will be a good change in the end.
i never type this much pure information in a post, but there it is. too bad my words never look or sound right when there out. this is all so very different in my head.
<3 mle
i'm sure there are millions of typos, but i'm too lazy to fix them and i frankly don't care. i don't speak perfectly so why should i type perfectly? | | |
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